Clone This, Pal!Put down that clone, kid, you don't know where it's beenby Ian Shoales Last January, the so-called Raelians, a quasi-religious sect that believes the earth was populated by aliens many thousands of years ago, announced that one of their number had given birth to the world's first cloned human. The media blazed this story on its front pages, even though the Raelians offered no evidence for the claim. But even as newsmakers ran with their cloning story — one that struck this disinterested observer as a wild tale told by raving loonies — they gave themselves a stern scolding on their op-ed pages for running with it. I believe this is called having your cake and eating it too ... which is kind of like cloning, if you think about it. Same Pea, Same PodJudging by our erratic reactions to it, the very idea of cloning seems to give us the heebie jeebies. Darned if I know why. As I understand it, a clone is basically a time-delayed twin. What are we so afraid of? What are clones going to do, look like us to death? Whatever their intentions are, I don't think we're going to see clones around town for a while yet. They're busy for one thing, in a galaxy far away, being cannon fodder for Darth Vadar and the gang. X-Men vs. Cabbage PatchAnd that leads to a more pressing issue. The Wall Street Journal ran a story ("Is Wolverine Human?" Jan. 20, 2003) chronicling the anguished process Judge Judith Barzilay went through last year when she ruled that the famed X-Men comic book heroes are, in fact, "superhuman creatures," and therefore not human. Barzilay was forced to make this almost metaphysical decision as a result of a trade dispute between the Marvel subsidiary Toy Biz Inc., which makes X-Men action figures, and the U.S. Customs Service. Human figures are considered dolls in the eyes of Customs, and the tariff code places a higher duty on them than nonhuman figures ("representing animals or 'creatures,' such as monsters and robots"), which are considered toys. Good news for Marvel's bottom line, but bad news for X-Men fans. After all, one of the things the X-Men do is fight prejudice against mutants. But now the might of American justice has combined forces with the dark side of Marvel (ironically, the creators of the X-Men) to qualify these particular mutants — even though they are called X-Men, not X-Indeterminate Creatures — in the same class as Care Bears, My Little Ponies, and Muppets. It's an insult, really. Just Like A Real BoyI don't know why a plastic representation of a human would cost more to bring into the country than the plastic representation of a cloned sheep, say, or a slavering alien. After all, neither one is "real." Still, Barzilay's legal decision will have far-reaching consequences in the vast action figure realm. What about the Star Wars clones, for example? Are they human? They're the "offspring" of Boba Fett's father, a bounty hunter. He's humanoid, as near as I can tell, but certainly not from Earth. Is being earthbound a criterion? If it is, then Darth, Luke, Han, and Leia would all be considered nonhuman, wouldn't they? And back here on Earth, aren't Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk mutants as well? And Superman wasn't even born here. He might not slaver, but he's certainly an alien. Come to think of it, if the Raelians are right, we're all aliens. That would be good news for action figure collectors, of course, but really bad news for the human race. Ian Shoales lives in San Francisco with his ever-depreciating Xena collection.
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