Clogged Chakras? Call Me!

Tune in. Log on. Drop out.

By Ian Shoales

One of the editors here, in a fruitless effort to expand my horizons, sent me a URL that offers the "first 24-hour creative visualization program." (It's www.PresentMemory.com, if you're interested - but you've probably visualized it already.)

Gentle reader, you can't know how long I've longed for this. A 24-hour program! Most creative visualization programs shut down at six - unless you want to pay for overtime. It's great to live in a world where I can get a Big Gulp, a tank of unleaded, and a creative visualization at three in the morning.

But what is creative visualization? Going to the Web site, I learned that it can be used to cure diseases, communicate with distant friends, or even imagine yourself into a better future. Cool! So why isn't everybody doing it?

Well, if everybody's just creatively visualizing haphazardly, creative visualization collisions would be inevitable. Say that you're visualizing yourself creatively as the new CEO of your startup. That's great! But what if somebody else in your startup is visualizing the same thing? Clearly, the two of you are going to have to duke it out in the psychic realm. (My advice? Creatively visualize yourself a superior resume.)

The advice on the Web site is free, which makes me wonder - couldn't the writer have creatively visualized a little pin money coming over the counter from a sucker like me? If I'd felt the emanations I would have ponied up, I swear.

But once I opened this Pandora's Box (and thought outside it at the same time!), I found dozens of creative visualization sites. At www2.southwind.net/~dskenned/visual.html, I was told "You Are Who And What You Think You Are!" (The blurb also spells "innate" with one "n," which makes me think the author might want to creatively visualize a dictionary.)

Then there's www.consciousmedia.com, which actually got it together enough to visualize at least the rudiments of a business model. You can order Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization Meditations cassette, marked down from $11.95 to $9.56. This cassette, according to the Web site, details "the practical techniques of using mental imagery and affirmation to produce positive changes in one's life."

There's also www.thedarkgift.com/darkgift, which offers a "Deep Mind Tape" for $9.95. And at www.mindman.co.uk you can order MindJET's MindManager, an "innovative software product that organizes and publishes concepts, ideas and information, using the principles of Mind Mapping." And www.lumari.com offers a wide variety of books and tapes, including one called Guided Imagery for Groups ....Well, I just couldn't continue. I could spend whole days and nights looking for advice on creative visualization, but when would I get any work done? I tried visualizing (creatively) a world without work, but an involuntary visualization of my dwindling checkbook kept bloating my chakras.

Then it struck me - there's a gold mine out there. People are longing for a little spirituality as they hack code, gawk at eBay gewgaws, or even watch their stock options fall.

And yet people find it more and more difficult to tear themselves away from their cubes long enough to find the enlightenment they secretly crave.

So why not bring the spirituality to them? Isn't that what the Internet is all about?

That's why I'm introducing Feng Shui 2.0.

How does Feng Shui work? Well, www.sampatti.com informs me that we choose the space in which we live and work. When we place one thing next to something else, it creates a pattern. "The magic of Feng Shui starts working the moment" we "start living consciously."

I have no idea what that means - if anything - but supposedly if you introduce the principles of Feng Shui to your home, workspace, and environment, then health, fame, well-being, wealth, and so forth will inevitably follow.

That's where Feng Shui 2.0 comes in. Isn't the Internet an environment? Couldn't the principles of Feng Shui also apply to Web sites? Could not a dollar be made as Feng Shui consultants to Web publishers and developers? Yes.

Feng Shui 2.0 is fully digital, a transparent overlay that rests on top of your Web page, in the same way that Windows rests on top of your hard drive. There may be something out of balance with your icon arrangement. Or perhaps your buttons are of an inappropriate color. Your links may be outdated, or evil. Feng Shui 2.0 will tell you.

Simply view your site through Feng Shui 2.0, keeping the Career Gua aligned with the flashing banner at the top of the page. (If this is your first time using Feng Shui 2.0, make sure you are alone; otherwise, unbalanced co-workers may ridicule you.)

Relax. Just let Feng Shui 2.0 speak to you. If you listen, I can safely predict millions of hits and the "stickiest" Web site ever.

Trust me. I've already creatively visualized Feng Shui 1.0, so I know this can work.